A Word Or Two About The Perfect Dessert

Let's be honest here people, is there really such a thing as BAD ice cream? Sure there are flavors you aren't so keen on (actually, I can't really think of a single one). I mean I don't particularly like Chocolate ice cream, but you're fudging (pun) crazy if you think I wouldn't enjoy a whole plop of that poo if someone was offering. Even that badly freezer burned remnant of Pralines N' Cream (that your roommate refuses to finish) (but still won't throw away) (and well who can blame him, it's ICE CREAM!) is still pretty fucking tasty. I can even enjoy the occasional bowl of Mint Chocolate Chip, a flavor designed to bring pleasure solely to the taste buds of the female gender (much like the beer Blue Moon).

Growing up my family ALWAYS had ice cream in the freezer. We usually had it every night for dessert, even as far back as I can remember. When we would stay with my Nanny and Granddad, they would give us these little mugs filled with ice cream at night while we watched Looney Tunes. I clearly remember Cherry, Peppermint Stick, and Oh Fudge! Oh Nuts! (the latter flavor doubling as a curse phrase by my Nanny). To give you some perspective on how this effected me years later... just after my brief attempt at college, my roommates would make fun of me because I would fix a massive amount of food for dinner and then immediately run to the freezer to prepare a heaping bowl of Heavenly Hash or French Vanilla.

Recently I found out about this ice cream flavor called Otter Paws® (pictured above). I was turned onto it by my elder brother (unbeknownst to him) the last time we went to the grocery store together. See, my bro loves this ice cream called Chocolate Moose Tracks®, which is a chocolately concoction of fudge and peanut butter cups. Now I definitely got down on this flavor but like I mentioned before, chocolate-based frozen dairy is just not my cup of cream. However, Otter Paws is a perfectly executed variation of Moose Tracks since it features:

A. a superior vanilla flavor foundation
B. chocolate covered walnuts (in lieu of peanut butter cups) which crunch (like otter bones) and taste as delicious as one might imagine a sea otter tasting (a clam-smashing balance of sweet and salty)
C. a more appropriate name – Moose Tracks sounds like what happens in my toilet

So I've been buying gallons of this creature treat on a regular basis and here is my only critical feedback. The paw to ice cream ratio is WAY OFF... I need more otter paws per cubic square inch! I ultimately realized this after getting an apparently abnormal gallon that had 4 or 5 times the typical amount of crunchy chocolate walnuts. To the factory worker who botched that batch I'd like to commend you for your graciousness. Now let's talk about how we make it happen again.

Well that's it for now. Hopefully you are inspired as I am. So go on and treat yourself (Richard style!)

Here is my Ecclesiastes:
Life is nonsense. Death is inevitable. Ice Cream is delicious.

[Editor's Note: My sincerest apologies to those of my "lesser privileged" friends in other places of the world who may never experience even a single bite of the aforementioned icy sweet cream (not to be confused with my former bunny friend, Sweet Cream, who perished at the hands of Dr. Mario in the garage late last year). I have a funny feeling that a giant banana split ice cream mansion awaits them all in heaven.]

[Editor's Elder Brother's Note Of Clarification: It should be noted that regular Moose Tracks does have a vanilla ice cream base to it (however) the kind that we opted for that night was "Extreme Moose Tracks"... the extreme part being the substitution of chocolate ice cream for vanilla.]